For a very long time, I bashed myself to be able to work efficiently like every other human but now I don’t do it anymore. I feel as if my brain is not ready to take actions that are essential for my daily living which let me put off all the tasks till the last minute and then eventually, I get passed by passing marks or even got failed many works.
It was never like, I hate learning or experiencing, it just that back-to-back failures make me so hard, on myself that I forget to be a human to myself once.
Till now I am constantly praying, repeating that I complete my course somehow and was able to get treatment for my ADHD. It is hard sometimes because you want to be happy, but the constant worry, fear, and pain of the past don’t let you rest even while you sleep.
One of the reasons, I start documenting my journey is because I accepted that my brain works differently, and I need acceptance from myself and this world. Adults with ADHD are so good at masking their symptoms such as writing everything down so that they don’t forget, listening more, speaking less so that they don’t interrupt a lot, and covering the intense emotions so that they don’t look too sensitive. But when their symptoms burst out in front of them, they live in a denial and start bashing themselves. I am still afraid of how to express myself, and how to feel but there is always a silver lining, and I am working on that.
I am learning what works for me and what doesn’t and as every individual is different, I am raising the voice for those who are still afraid to accept that their brain works differently.
The day after tomorrow is my conference, I am going to speak on Grit and the ovulatory cycle, and before that, I am going to meet one of the professors in the field of evolutionary psychology and discuss her research works and any prospective Ph.D. position, she will have in her lab. I admire her a lot and her work because her work is based on women and their needs and evolvement. Let’s see how my meeting will go, my mind is making up a lot of stories and I hope everything goes well with her.
I am happy that I am trying,
I am happy that I am staying,
I am happy because I know sadness,
I am happy because I can feel the pain,
But it’s going to be alright, and I will become my own sight.
